The Bachelor LiveBlog!

I don't care what anyone says, I love The Bachelor. And I feel like liveblogging this episode, so here we go!

I'm kind of whatever about Chris the Farmer. He's kind of cute, but I agree with Andi, the whole small town farmer thing is kind of a deal breaker. But he seems like a really nice guy! And I'm sure there's a girl out there for him that he's just not able to find in a town of 400 people. Ugh, I can't even imagine. I hope they asked all the girls if they were ready and able to deal with that kind of thing.

Anyway, on with the show! Oh no wait, it's an hour long red carpet, wtf?! This isn't the Oscars! Are you telling me this goes until 11, 3 hours long?! Oh hell no. I don't have enough wine for this!

Sean and Catherine. That's nice. Babies soon and whatever. That's nice they found love. Can we just get to the episode already? 

Who are these people? Marcus and Lacy? Oh, from Bachelor Pad. I did not watch that and have plans to never ever watch it. Lacy says their wedding date is 80/40. It took me a minute to figure out what that even meant...

Oh, they're showing the bachelorettes! Britt the Waitress from LA. So... actress it is. Now she's at Hollywood and Highland with a Free Hugs sign. No thanks, I'm good. And now someone is doing backflips in DC. Jillian the news producer who is a strong woman with crazy thighs! I bet she does Crossfit. Oh a ballet dancer, Amanda from Illinois with an accent to match. Oh, she's crazy, for sure. Whitney the fertility nurse has a voice that sounds like nails on a chalkboard. Ugh, and her job reminds her that she's single all the time. She has a cute dog and cute pillows, though, so she can't be all that bad. Is she willing to give up her job to work on a farm though?! Apparently. MacKenzie is next. I already can't with that name. And she has a son named... Kale?! No.... are you serious?! Like the green veggie?! OMG it's even spelled the same. I have lost the ability to can with this name. And now for a flight attendant from Jersey. Her Bachelor-tinged flight attendant spiel is kind of cute. That guy she gave a rose to was not having it. And now someone from Austin! Oh god, she's a widow. Her husband died only a little over a year ago?! I can't imagine being over something like that so soon. I don't even know how to feel about this. She's an interesting kind of pretty though, so I kind of like her.

Commercials! I can't tell where they're filming this. The red carpet does not look very big. Andi and... what's his name. Oh right, Josh. This is so boring. She says that Chris is really nice. That's nice. Chris is one of Josh's 'boys'. That's nice too. Andi's eyebrows are very... fleek. Am I using that word correctly?

It's only been an hour and I've finished my wine. No bueno.

What happened between Juan Pablo and Nikki? I don't care anymore. It's hard to have a relationship in the public eye blah blah. "I wanted to stand by my man." Stop saying that. You tried, he tried, blah blah. Omg are you still talking??

Does Chris' journey to find love start now? Does it?? Trying on clothes is mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting?? Is it really???

Ah, the obligatory shirtless in the shower scene. Is there an equivalent female thing? Probably walking along the beach in a bikini or something. Whatever, they know their audience is 99% female. Actually, I'd be really interested in what the audience stats actually are.

It's time for the limo arrivals! I do not envy Chris in trying to remember 25 women's names. I am the worst with names, especially when meeting them basically all at once. I don't like meeting new people in general. I think being on the Bachelor (or Bachelorette) would be my nightmare in a lot of ways.

Oh, it's a leg! It's the first girl we met earlier! The actress.... I mean, waitress from LA. This hug is way too long, and now it's turning to tears and it's awkward. Okay, she would not want to move to a farm, for real. No acting jobs on the farm. Ugh, a free hug coupon. Stahp. Oh it's Whitney the fertility nurse next. Is the first limo comprised entirely of the women we're already met? Why is she so southern suddenly? Is she seriously wearing yellow heels? I literally don't even even own a pair of yellow heels, nor have I ever considered it. Yup, the widow is next. She seems okay-ish. Megan, a makeup artist from Nashville, is next. Ugh, these are always so awkward. Ashley, who has a gorgeous dress, is next. Her hair is nice and she is pretty.  

Time for the next limo! Trina the special ed teacher comes out first. She's 33 which is old for a Bachelor contestant (which makes me feel super old). She reminds me of a frenemy from junior high, so I don't like her. Reegan, a donated tissue specialist, is next, and she has a cooler with her. Oh god, what's in it? Is it someone's face? Is this a crossover with Hannibal? Because that would be pretty cool actually. Oh, it's a fake heart. That's not as interesting. Ugh, a girl in cowboy boots... and shorts and a flannel?! I can't. Her name is Tara, and I bet she always describes herself as 'not like other girls'. Also, probably doesn't consider herself a feminist. The other girls gasp to see her in her 'Go Western' gear. She grew up 'huntin' and fishin'' Good for you, go home. Amber the bartender brings a teddy bear, so I liker her immediately. She is completely glossed over and that makes me sad. The next girl, Nikki has a really pretty dress. Some random blonde runs up into the limousine, and then exits it. Wtf is happening. It's some girl from earlier? Oh it's the country/huntin/fishin girl, and now she's wearing a cocktail dress (that makes sure to show her shoulder tattoo!) (because she's 'not like other girls'!) The next girl has the limo driver bring a note to Chris. Apparently it says 'go to commercial' because that's what happens next.

Oh, the note is dumb. Turn away from the limo and close your eyes. She sneaks up behind him, hugs him, and then doesn't introduce herself and runs into the house. That was confusing. Next up is buff Jillian from the last hour. Next is the mom of the veggie boy. Could you not just name him Kyle? Is that what you actually meant?! Ashley the hair stylist doesn't seem sure of herself exiting the limo. That would be me; I'd be like, which way is it? Oh, straight out? Okay cool. She found a lucky penny and wants him to put it in his shoe. I hate things in my shoe, what are you doing. Kaitlyn the dance instructor says that Chris can plow the fuck out of her field any day, and Chris is speechless. She has a tattoo on the back of her arm that I'm confused by. Oh back of both arms. Neat. 

Oh hey Chris Harrison! Go on inside the mansion to mingle, he says! Everyone has a glass of wine. This is how you create drama. Unlimited booze and a bunch of women in heels and cocktail dresses and no TV. Wait, there's only 15 girls. Why? Kaitlyn the inappropriate tells a dirty joke that ends in 'tight seal' and everyone is horrified. Horrified!! They quickly get over it and wonder where the other 10 girls are, as there are typically 25 girls. 

Britt starts out the one-on-one convos. Her hair is really long. Nothing else is interesting. Oh, she thought they were going to kiss at the end. That's nice. Now it's the girl that gave him the fake heart while the other girls speculate there's more girls on the way. Now the widow. Oh, Chris Harrison shows up! He's got that first impression rose, no pressure. 

Oh and now there's a live audience. Unnecessary. Oh god, 7 farmer's wives are there to talk about Chris. They have  terrible hair. Like, Kate Gosselin bad hair. Jesus, I can't even concentrate on what they're saying their hair is so bad. These people are so middle America I can't even. This is what your future is, Chris's future wife. 

The fertility specialist says she makes babies every day. Haha, so hilarious. She's really really excited. Everyone else is speculating about the rest of the girls, or lack thereof. Chris is now wondering about his 'secret admirer' who he didn't officially meet earlier. He singles her out as the one girl he doesn't recognize. HAHA the other girls call her, 'that one with the big eyes.' Oh and does she ever have the crazy eyes. What the actual fuck. Her dress is very ornate. Chris Harrison is back and he needs to steal Chris! Oooh, this night isn't even close to being done! There's more limos! You get a limo, and you get a limo, and you... wait, this isn't Oprah. 

Oh jesus, there's another hour to go. We come back from commercials and Chris H asks Claire from last season a question and she totally doesn't pay attention. "Oh god, is the camera on me, how does me hair look, is there anything in my teeth, is he saying something to me, what is going on.'

Another limo! Samantha has really long hair and a really short dress. She walks in to the mansion and says 'hi!' to dead silence. It's not really their fault their limos happened to arrive later than the others... Michelle the Utahan comes out next. Juelia and her weirdly spelled name are next. Oh, I like Becca's dress. It's very sparkly and pretty! It looks great on camera. A girl arrives on a motorcycle - Tandra, the executive assistant. We barely see her meet Chris at all. 

Another limo! This one has Alissa the flight attendant. She brought a seatbelt with her. Jordan the blonde student brought a tiny bottle of whiskey, and they do a shot! Okay, I like her. Omg, Nicole wears a pig nose out of the limo. Simple, but clever! Oh, another girls burns her saying that Chris doesn't even have pigs on his farm, and she should have done her research! Oh god, there's a 'WWE Diva-in-Training'... is that a thing? You know, at least there haven't been as many creative 'job' titles as on Juan Pablo's season, like 'Free Spirit' and 'Dog Lover'. This is apparently the limo of gimmicks. The WWE whatever brought a sign with a hashatg, and now this one, Carly, brought a Barbie Dream House speaker and microphone. She's a cruise ship singer, which maybe explains a lot. 

There's 25 women in the mansion, and here's another limo! How can you even meet and talk to that many people in one night?? Oh, there's a 4th grade teacher, and she has notes from her students. That's cute. Bo is a plus sized model! A girl goes by without a name or a voice. Another girl! Another girl! No one cares anymore! I can't understand the girl from Kentucky! Jade is wearing a dress with a nearly nude top and Chris has a hard time looking at her face. It's weirdly ill-fitting, though.

30 total girls! Chris goes in to talk to them and they all applaud. He's overwhelmed, but still remembers to say that he believe his wife is in this room. Can we get a tally on how many Bachelors have said that? Do they give them a script with talking points? 

Oh wow, one girl has two kids aged 6 and 7! Another girl, Kaitlyn, suddenly brought pants so she can dance, and seems to be teaching him how to play Twister, though she calls it Six Step. Is that a thing? No more talk of plowing fields, however. Girls are ruthlessly stealing Chris from other girls. Is there a time limit or anything? Some girls are saying that they've been trying unsuccessfully to talk to him all night. How much would that suck, to be sitting around with a bunch of strangers, drinking wine, all night? Wait, that sounds okayish. Maybe not if you're all going after the same guy, though. 

Is he allowed to write down notes? That's what I'd be doing. There's a girl talking about peeling people like onions? She's been there a while, and has clearly had a lot to drink. What else is there to do besides drinking? You're kind of setting up some of these girls to fail. Anyway, Chris is scared of the drunk girl.

MacKenzie brings a watercolor set, but the kind you give to little kids. She asks him what alfalfa is. He says, "It's green." You know, like your son Kale? Oh, some girls are doing shots! And some girls are judging. The girl who came in wearing cowboy boots has been drinking straight whiskey and now can't stop hiccuping and burping. Oh honey.

Chris still hasn't given out the first impression rose and everyone is angsting over it. There's a girl talking about how she went to the Third Street Promenade in LA, couldn't find parking, and went home and cried. OMG girl, I've been there! Are you me?? Ugh, it's the girl in the ill-fitting nude-top dress. Chris comes for the first impression rose and gives it to..... Britt! The wait/actress from LA! She is pretty and nice, I guess. I wonder how far first impression rose getters typically get. OMG, they're already kissing. Like, a lot. 

They walk back in to the other girls and it's awkward. Chris then leaves to figure out who to keep and who to eliminate. Chris Harrison (the superior Chris, tbh) polls the live audience about the kiss with Britt. Everyone is in reluctant agreement that it was okay. Claire is again put on the spot, and then Michelle Money (what kind of last name is that, it sounds like a street nickname) says she heard a rumor that Britt doesn't shower. Oh, okay. Chris quickly moves to Andi, and she is also in favor of the kiss. 

Are we done yet? No, we are not. Chris is ready for the rose ceremony. Jesus, it's going to be 30 minutes long, isn't it. It's just a bunch of 'will you accept this rose' 'absolutely', people being insecure, people being happy, blah blah blah. Oh dear, drunky the cowgirl is gonna hurl, I'm pretty sure. I know that feel, girl. Oh, Chris suddenly walks out! Dun dun duuuuun!

Oh shit, back from commercial we find out that Chris is talking to Chris about how he wanted to pick her, but she's so clearly drunk that he's having second thoughts. I feel bad because I'm pretty sure I'd be that girl that would just drink instead of trying to talk to the guy. Story of my life or some such! Chris dramatically comes back, sighs, and then continues rose-ing. Omg, Tara the drinker does get the rose! She doesn't seem that drunk, girls, get over it. Some of these girls have problematic eyebrows. That's worse than getting sloppy drunk, in my book.

It's the final rose. The WWE diva hasn't gotten it yet, nor has Crazy Eyes (not the cool crazy eyes from OITNB), nor the plus sized model, nor the girl with the pig nose. The girl who's also drunk but hiding it better than Tara (the one who talked about onions) gets it!!

Everyone says their awkward goodbyes and it's awkward. Holy crap, it's daylight outside when they're walking out?! It was dark when they started, so this shit has literally taken all night. Wow. Holy shit.

Oh no, one of the rejected girls is coming back inside to talk to Chris. Oh honey, please don't. For your sake and for mine, I'd like to go to bed now. Oh, we won't find out until next week! Well isn't that nice. A sneak peak for the season reveals hot air balloons, champagne, horses, canyons, kisses, leaf throwing, motorcycles, bikinis, more kisses, bridges, kayaking, hockey, a glass slipper, guns, a concert, more kisses, jealous girls, drinking, a slutty virgin, angry girls, f-bombs, surreptitiously sneaking into tents and getting it on, more angry girls, crying on the floor, medics, crying in a canyon, crying in front of bushes, crying on a pile of leaves, people taking things seriously, people not taking things seriously enough, tropical locales, helicopter rides, hikes, farms, swimming, kissing, seeing a future with Chris, serious sighs, dramatic walking through snow, indecisions, and probably so much more. 

Next week perhaps I'll have more wine and Tara my way through another liveblog! (I will NOT be wearing cowboy boots but I will probably hiccup a bunch.)